Second half of the Semester

I have a year and a half until I graduate from North Greenville and step out into the "real world."

I'm sitting here in my little apartment, listening to the wind blow the acorns and branches off the trees so that they hit my roof or the ground. It's an odd sound, that I still haven't grown accustomed to, but it is also a reminder that Fall is here.

I like fall!

Anyways, we have just come back from our Fall Break from school and finished a shortened week, and yesterday was a little rough. The question of "where have you applied?" "How'd you do on your (insert major test to get into post-undergrad program)?" "Have you heard back from (insert school you told someone you applied to)?"
My husband is planning to apply to Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, in Kentucky, and because I won't be able to finish all the pre-requisites to apply to a PA program, I will be taking a year off and taking classes, and the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) to get into the PA program at University of Kentucky.

Save Now

I hope this all works out, and honestly, even though at first I wasn't so sure I would want to move to Kentucky, at this point, I've more than just wrapped my head around it, I've started to get excited about it! Although I'm sure when next summer comes around and we are planning to move and all, it will seem a lot scarier, but I'm still really excited about what God has in store for us!!!

So this week coming up is homecoming. And although there will be something to do EVERY single night of the week, and I have a huge Senior Seminar paper to write, I'm getting really excited! Being Biology Club President, I have a responsibility to get the club excited and motivated and to try our best.
I'm really glad that Biology Club isn't doing this by ourselves. We've combined with both the Psychology Club, and the Health and Wellness Club as well as anyone in the science dept. who wants to participate.

I'm also the most excited that I was voted to be the Science Club Representative for Homecoming. I get to be on the Homecoming Court, and even potentially Homecoming Queen. :) Eeep! Although I REALLY want to win, I am also excited to get ot know the girls who are running with me, it's an odd feeling, to be competitive with people I know and love, and girls who are really sweet that I hope to know, except for the one or two who are not so sweet, those girls I just really want to beat! :P

So that's my speel for today. It's going to be a tough week. Pray for me and Whitfield, he's got about 17 major assignments due this coming week, and I've got homecoming stuff to do, but somehow dinner will be made and the apartment will be clean. Well, clean ISH.

10:34 PM

So here I sit. I originally came to the laptop to look up some study materials for my classes this week. Where do I find myself instead of Blackboard???

Facebook, mostly. Although some smattering of looking at the blogs I keep up with also occurs.

And that's just the way I roll. I get distracted, and I get behind. I forget to do things, and procrastinate, and don't do other things.

This is absolutely one of the many reasons I find myself with this desire. A desire to sit down, read my Bible, and learn something. To not only read for the sake of my "to do list" or to check it off and feel good about myself for the rest of the day. But because I haven't done it on a regular basis, and because I am a Christian, with a true desire to be closer to God, I desire to be in His word.

I find myself at this very moment kicking myself for blogging about this, instead of doing something about it.
I am married to a future pastor, and I don't even read my Bible on a regular basis, I truly am a hypocrite. I am a professing Christian, who talks about missions, and how I can minister, and I don't even minister to my own spirit.

I am in trouble. And I desperately need prayer.

I also need to ensure that my schoolwork doesn't come before the time I should be spending with God.

I think the biggest reason I don't read my Bible is because I'm not really sure how to read in such a way that I get anything out of it.

This year I am president of the Biology Club, and in one of the other clubs I was in last year our president brought a "devotion" at every meeting we had. I want to be that kind of president. The one who doesn't care that half the time I sat there wishing we could "get on with it" or that wants to bring the members of the club to a deeper understanding of how God works in us.

My heart is crying out for God and for His word, and I don't understand why I haven't answered until now.

Hey There Married lady!

Well here it is, my senior year at school! May I just take a moment to say,

WHOOOOO - HOOOO!!!!!

I'm so glad that this phase of my life is almost over!!! But on the other hand, I will miss this time. I seriously cannot believe it is so close to the end.

I will say though I have heard a few things over and over that I am not sure I will ever get tired of...
The first is "Hey married lady!" or some variation of this phrase, and I love answering to this. I never get tired of people congratulating me, or asking to see my RINGS, and I'm so glad that I am married and can show people how blessed me and my wonderful husband are!

And most of the time, after I hear "hey married lady!" It is followed by "How's married life?"
Whitfield typically gives the answer of "Way better than the single life!" Which is absolutely true, I typically give a little bit more detailed answer, but here's the whole story....

Married life is AMAZING. It's not always fun and games, but the honest truth is that I love it completely and wholeheartedly. I like coming home and putting groceries away, and figuring out the best way to organize our little apartment. I enjoy having someone talk to me while I'm taking a shower, or watching Whitfield gargle mouthwash and try not to laugh at the dog so he doesn't spit everywhere. I can't wait for Whitfield to come home so I can tackle him with kisses, and tell him all about my day, and show him what I've cooked for him.
I will say, Whitfield is my best friend in the whole world. He and I joke around and laugh together and pick on each other. Just today he was taking a shower and I leaned in for a kiss, and he grabbed me around the waist (soaking wet) and kissed me, getting my whole face and shirt wet in the process. And I laughed after pestering him back!
I seriously can't believe that I have found him. My husband. The man whose rib God placed in me. Just the way our humor matches, and how he makes me smile in a way no one else does. The special smile he only smiles for me, the way he will leave his hair product-free because I like it better that way. I just love all of it.

Although with every good thing there are bad things too, and there are parts of married life I don't like. Dealing with bills, washing dishes, cleaning the apartment, all things I don't always enjoy. But compared to the joy of being one flesh with the man I was made for, they are minuscule sad points.

So for anyone who asks me "how's married life?" There's your answer!

and you take me the way I am....

I have been thinking about this all night, because last night was kind of rough.

Here's the gist of it, Whitfield and I have been married three months now, and I still have thank you's to get out. I know I'm a slacker, and I have never said otherwise! Whitfield and I were invited to a family gathering at his granny's house and I haven't yet given her the thank you I owe her. Now Granny is a classic southern belle, and very concerned with etiquette. So I am not in her favor right now, and she let me know it. The whole evening was very tense and I left feeling like a complete loser.

I came home and being the emotional person that I am, I sat in Whitfield's arms and cried.

Whitfield and I had some really good talking time, and he cheered me up by being his sweet goofy self (which I love). After that we watched a TV show or two and then went to bed, where we talked about a few issues and sensitivities I'd been feeling.

My darling husband made me cry some more with his amazing level of understanding. He listened, he hugged me, he told me the things I wanted to know, and not just the things I wanted to hear. He is not a typical man, and I love him more than I could ever express.
And as I went to sleep, and even when I woke up this morning, I had a song stuck in my head.
It is called "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michelson. A simple, sweet song, whose chorus changes, but the end chorus is this;

"I love you more than I could ever promise,
And you take me the way I am"

This just struck me last night as I was almost asleep because I don't deserve someone to love me, to listen to me, to be my shoulder to cry on. I have days where everything is golden, but there are also many days when I get angry for no true reason. I am hormonal (simply because I am a woman) and I have days when I get a little depressed. Whitfield takes me the way I am. He loves me when I am upset, or mad, when I feel depressed, when I don't make any sense. He loves me when I am crazy, and goofy, and laughing up a storm. Whitfield obviously expects some things from me, but at the same time he doesn't ask for much. He shows me that I am loved just the way I am, and it really reminds me that Whitfield is the example of a greater love for me.

See, I am accepted by a Higher Power. Not some vague, enigma of a spiritual being, but a God who is my Father, who has been there for me when I needed Him. Who listens to me, who helps me and who loves me. He wants me to love Him, to be His. He desperately desires to be my lover, to be my soul's fulfillment, and not only does He do all that, but He has blessed me with a living, breathing example of His love and acceptance here on earth.

I can't even begin to explain the affect the last three months have had on me. Being married to Whitfield has been the best and most enlightening experience of my life and I can't wait to see how much the next 75+ years will go by (Whitfield and I are shooting for at least our 75th wedding anniversary, it's one of our little jokes :)

I love him. More than I think he could know.

Reflections on my Summer

As the title suggests, I have some things to say.

Reflect back to the confessions blog.
I told Whitfield about how I was feeling, because I want our marriage to be an awesome and honest relationship, and talking is a big part of that.

My husband is a very smart, and wise man. He pointed out that being from a large family (six kids, although the youngest two weren't born when I was growing up), I am used to being around people and after growing up with so much going on, I've become a very social person. I knew I was a social butterfly, but I never thought of it like that.

This being the first summer that I haven't taken summer school, and my best friend being away in Montana all summer, I've missed the people I've gotten so close to, and being around people in general. Don't get me wrong, this summer being just me and Whitfield has been amazing! Just the two of us learning how to be married and together is really a great experience!
But I miss everyone else. It kinda sounds bad to me, and I know that after college is over, I'll have to deal with all these feelings again, but I am kind of thankful that I have this last school year to put it off.

So the summer being married. Wow. There has been so much that I have vastly enjoyed, besides the obvious ;) I love getting to fall asleep next to the man I love. Sometimes I don't really like to, but in the end, I like to cook dinner for him, and even clean or wash dishes. He is a great husband, complimenting my cooking, and thanking me for cleaning.
Basically, I'm a spoiled rotten wife! He's absolutely amazing. When I wake up in my sweatpants and his undershirt, he welcomes me to the day by kissing me on the lips or cheek and saying "good morning, beautiful!"
There is nothing that I care about more than that wonderful, handsome, kindhearted, adorable man. I can't believe I've been blessed so immensely to have him in my life. I'm more thankful for him every single day that I get to spend with him. I honestly can't rave about him enough!

I am glad that I spent the summer alone with Whitfield. It helped us learn a lot about our new life together.
It also has taught me a lot about things I need to work out in myself.
All in all, it has been a very enlightening summer!

Goals for Senior year!

This blog is mainly so that I can get my ideas and goals for my last year of my undergrad at NGU out there to hold me accountable.
I'm stoked to be going into my senior year for many, many reasons, so here goes a few!
1) I'M ALMOST DONE WITH COLLEGE!!!!
2) I get to be the President of the Biology club!
3) New classes, new professors!
4) I get to be back with all my friends!

So here come the goals. Most of them have to do with numbers 2, 3, and 4. :)

I have a lot of plans for the Biology club. I have been an involved member for the last two years (although I did buy a t-shirt the first year), and I am so excited about being the president. I appreciate being a leader, and I really relish the chance to get to bring some new ideas and stuff to the floor.
The first thing I'd really like to do is to start out the meetings with a "devotion" and prayer. It always has been opened with prayer, but not always with a devotion. I don't really like the word "devotion" because everyone thinks some little dinky cliche "do your best for Jesus" speech, but I really want to bring something deeper to the group. That is the biggest goal I have. I have been praying about what to bring for the first meeting especially because I don't want it to be cliche.

New classes; I have always had goals for every new semester, mostly because of my grades. I tend to be scraping the 3.0 line and I'm a pretty solid B student, and this year (being my last), I want to be an A student. I want to prove to myself that I can do this and I want to know more, and be a more knowledgeable person and to well-prepared for the next step in my life aka grad school!!!

And the last goal has a little bit to do with number 2 and 4.
I want to meet new people, but most of all, I want to cultivate my friendships.
I have missed my friends this summer, for many reasons (which are going to be described in a new blog), and I don't want to be a simple blip in someone's life. I have many friends, but mostly I want to get to know the people I do know, a lot better. I want to be closer, and to stay connected with people after we graduate. I don't want to forget, and I want to be a better friend.

But the most important goal of all, is that I want to get closer to God. I feel a little like Paul in that I know the things I should do, and I don't do them. I can't say for sure, but I'm pretty sure Paul felt like dirt when he didn't obey God just like I do.
I want to be remembered for something. And if I can pick why, I don't want to be remembered for being a B student, or for being the bio club president. I don't want to be the girl who was married her senior year, or anything else.
I want to be remembered for being a Christian. For loving God and showing it by how much I loved people.

So those are my main goals.
Out there for the world to see, and for me to live up to. Be praying for me if you get the chance, I'm definitely not sure how this year is going to turn out... :)

Confession time

I have something to admit. It's not something that I like to talk about and honestly I wish it wasn't true, but here it is. Don't get yourself all worked up though, to most people it's probably no big deal!

Whitfield and I had been talking about getting married for a while before we were actually engaged, so we had a lot of the major things worked out already. Even the timing of when our wedding would be was tentatively decided. It was planned in a few days shy of three months and on the actual day of, and the weeks thereafter, I was thrilled with everything, and the way it had happened.

Now, after two months, I'm having issues coming to grips with the fact that it is over and I can't change any of it.
I have seen pictures from several other weddings and I keep thinking of things I would have changed had I known and I'm thinking to myself now was the whole 3 month engagement the right way to go?
No doubts about Whitfield or about getting married to him whatsoever. It's just that this was the one day in my life that I'd dreamed about since I was little, and I am wondering if I did it all right.
I feel sad that I've built up that one day so much and now it's over.
I have to pin the nail on the head and say that I am jealous of some of the other weddings I've been to. They had a larger budget so they could have a nicer reception, or better food, or they were more organized, or they had pics I wish I'd taken, and I HATE it. Even worse, I feel jealous of other newlywed couples who have more money than us and can do things like go to the beach, or simply have their own home.
I feel hypocritical and like I've let Whitfield down for feeling this way. Even worse, I feel like I've let God down. And I would like to apologize.
If anyone reads my blog, please pray that I get over this. And that I remember the joy and ecstasy of my wedding day every time I feel this way. I love my husband with all that I have and I wouldn't trade marrying him for anything in this whole world. I just have days when I forget the wonderful wedding I had, and the blessings God has given us and I feel down.
And I just need to stop.

Thank you for listening, to whoever is out there.

the beginning of my married life

So here I am, months and months since I have posted. "I'm going to try to be better about this" lol. That certainly didn't happen! But oh well I'm here now!
I'm MARRIED!!!! How crazy is that?! Whitfield asked me to marry him on the 12th of February and we got married on the 8th of May, not even three months from the engagement date!
It was a beautiful wedding and everything I could have imagined and I am having the time of my life being married to the man of my dreams!
Whitfield is everything I've ever wanted, and he is so supportive and understanding. He is a great leader and he is honest and strong.
So enough of all that mushy stuff, here's some details.
One of my friends asked if Whit and I had somewhere to live and offered to let us rent a small trailer less than 5 miles from both my parents' house and our school, for an excellent price, with one small catch, it was to be renovated. It isn't finished yet, but we've been living in a renovated garage apartment which is TINY. We've made it pretty comfy, and are enjoying being together but both of us and our landlord cannot wait for the trailer to be finished! It's got some drywall to go up, painting to be done, and carpet to be put down and then we can move in!!!
Until then, we're truly grateful for a roof over our heads. Although the inch-long scorpions, HUGE spiders, and bugs are driving me insane....
But we have a bathroom, a kitchen with a stovetop for cooking, a fantastic window A/C unit, and enough space for the few furniture items we have.
And we get to be together! Which is the best part!
I've got a part-time job with a friend of the family cleaning HUGE houses in a fancy neighborhood and Whitfield has been blessed at his work with lots of hours and good sales (he works at Radioshack).
WE HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED BY GOD and that is the bottom line. God has provided us with a roof over our heads, enough work and money to put some away and pay our bills, and a great support system of family and friends who keep up with us and help us out if we need it!
I'm so very grateful.

So some more recent news, I am cooking pretty much every night and enjoying it! I've got some good meals under my belt and have only burned one dish! Which Whitfield was gracious enough to eat anyway and told me it wasn't that bad. What a sweetheart:)
Today we sat and watched some netflix over the xbox 360 hooked up to wifi, and then Whit went to work. While he was gone, I washed the dishes and started watching season 4 of The Hills, which is one of my new favorite shows! I don't really know why I like it so much, but I do.
And then I went out for a run with Whit and my puppy Penny! She's a Jack Russell Terrier mix we rescued from the local shelter about three weeks ago, and I figured she'd appreciate getting some energy out!
It was fun and I liked getting to work out again. I have missed it!

And so that is what is going on right now!

Updates, and new year's stuff

Okay, okay, so it has been 5 months since I joined and posted my first blog. I am going to try to be better about this so that at least I have some record of what went on this year, and so that the few who read this won't forget about me.

So, first of all updates!
I'm still in college! I completed my junior year last semester and I'm actually a senior now according to my credits. This doesn't really mean much because I still have this semester and two more left before I graduate, although being listed as a senior does mean that I am allowed to register early for classes which means I get first pick!
I am also still with my wonderful boyfriend of 16 months, Whitfield who is so immensely sweet to me and I am grateful for his presence in my life.

Which leads me to the new year's stuff. Or, more accurately, reflections of last year....
in December of 2008, Whit told me he loved me for the very first time, and as 2009 progressed, I learned what it truly means to love and be loved in return
You might need a little bit more backstory for this to be completely understood.
I have only told one other boy that I loved him, and a year later, I realized I had lied to tell him that. Therefore I was slightly reluctant to say the L-word to someone else. Whit and I had an inside joke that we'd say before "I love you" was appropriate, we'd tell eachother "I love your face." The Saturday before school let out, we were saying our goodnights and as I looked at him, I knew that he was incredibly special to me and that I hadn't felt like this with anyone else and I knew, KNEW for a FACT that I loved the man in front of me. Well, Whit noticed my face screaming I LOVE YOU and asked me what the look was for, to which I replied, "I just love... your face" because it is a "rule" somewhere that if you are the first to say "I love you," he'll just say it to make you happy.
The next day he asked me what I really wanted to say when I gave him that look and after discussing it without saying the words all day, we met up that night and exchanged I love you's for the first time of many.
In 2009, I have been blessed to have observed God's love for me in the way I feel about Whit and in the ways he's shown me he loves me. It is sappy, I know, but bear with me for a few minutes as I extrapolate.
In many ways 2009 was difficult, I experienced some of the hardest classes of my college life, went through a lot of friend drama, and learned things about the ones I love that I didn't like. I had to figure out how to process and deal with all these situations and many others, and through all of them, Whit was there for me.
On one particular night, I found out a few things about Whitfield's past that I really didn't want to hear, and I was disappointed and hurt (he has done nothing against me, these were things that occurred before we began dating). I was alone in my room and even though I was disappointed in him, he was the only person I wanted to comfort me. And although we both had early classes and this happened late at night, he came when I asked him to and stayed with me for two hours while we talked it out.
As any college student will tell you, there are always awful days when nothing goes right and every test you take, it seems like you have failed and all you want to do is quit, or for me, cry and then quit. On the days when I was stressed, or angry at life, or disappointed in my grades, or just needed someone, Whitfield was the first person I'd think to call because I knew he'd always be there for me. He sat with me while I studied, and listened to me patiently while I vented.
After being the recipient of such dedicated love, I have only one very simple yet extremely difficult response; to love whole heartedly in return.
This proved to be difficult as I started the fall semester and spent 10 days at my school for Student Services staff training, without my core group of friends, including Whit. I knew a few others there but I still felt the most lonely I have ever felt. I went through the temptation of allowing other males' affections go far enough for one person to be mistaken as my boyfriend. I had to admit this and other shortcomings to Whitfield as I wanted to be honest and open with him, and I had to endure his disappointment in me.
It definitely wasn't all bad though. I also got to enjoy some extremely great days with Whitfield. He took me to the beach for my birthday, and packed a lunch, brought us something to drink and took care of anything I needed.
When I was up late studying and became very hungry, Whit went to walmart for me and brought me something to eat and drink.
He's encouraged me, comforted me, stood by me, been jealous over me, and has become my closest friend and my only human love.
And although Whitfield's love is NOWHERE close to the perfect, wholehearted, insane love of God, it has been the closest example I've ever had, and it has opened my eyes to what God's love truly is.
He loves us. He LOVES us. HE loves US. Has that concept ever thoroughly penetrated our heads? His love will never disappoint, never fail, never end. His love does not change, does not remember faults committed and forgives, TRULY forgives every wrongdoing. His love is overpowering, all-encompassing, and it never leaves us. He is the ultimate comforter, the strongest protector, and the best lover your soul will ever experience. He will never cheat on you, never hurt you, and never let you down. He'll never forget you, He's passionate about you, and He wants to spend all the time He can get with you.
And this isn't some wimpy, lonely, desperately lame God. This is the God who created BILLIONS of galaxies, who made your body in its immense complexity. This is the One who sent His only Son to die for you. Think about that. Think about the purest, closest relationship you have with someone, your best friend, or your boyfriend, your mom or dad. Consider them telling you that they have given everything they own for you to be alive.
Yeah. It's a heavy, saddening thought. You might have stopped them if you could have, told them you aren't worth it, or don't need their help. But it's too late. They have nothing, and you have it all.
God is similar to that, except that He didn't have to give His Son for you. He does not require your companionship, your affection, or your life. He is complete without anything you can give Him.
He desires a relationship with you. He wants you to want Him. To have the most complete, closest, truest relationship with the only Thing that could ever completely satisfy you. Consider that thought. COMPLETE SATISFACTION. He can do that.
What would you do for that friend who gave up everything they had for your life? Would you love them in return? Would you sacrifice your time, your desires, your needs for them? Would you tell others about this incredible feat of love?
God is that friend.