Okay, okay, so it has been 5 months since I joined and posted my first blog. I am going to try to be better about this so that at least I have some record of what went on this year, and so that the few who read this won't forget about me.
So, first of all updates!
I'm still in college! I completed my junior year last semester and I'm actually a senior now according to my credits. This doesn't really mean much because I still have this semester and two more left before I graduate, although being listed as a senior does mean that I am allowed to register early for classes which means I get first pick!
I am also still with my wonderful boyfriend of 16 months, Whitfield who is so immensely sweet to me and I am grateful for his presence in my life.
Which leads me to the new year's stuff. Or, more accurately, reflections of last year....
in December of 2008, Whit told me he loved me for the very first time, and as 2009 progressed, I learned what it truly means to love and be loved in return
You might need a little bit more backstory for this to be completely understood.
I have only told one other boy that I loved him, and a year later, I realized I had lied to tell him that. Therefore I was slightly reluctant to say the L-word to someone else. Whit and I had an inside joke that we'd say before "I love you" was appropriate, we'd tell eachother "I love your face." The Saturday before school let out, we were saying our goodnights and as I looked at him, I knew that he was incredibly special to me and that I hadn't felt like this with anyone else and I knew, KNEW for a FACT that I loved the man in front of me. Well, Whit noticed my face screaming I LOVE YOU and asked me what the look was for, to which I replied, "I just love... your face" because it is a "rule" somewhere that if you are the first to say "I love you," he'll just say it to make you happy.
The next day he asked me what I really wanted to say when I gave him that look and after discussing it without saying the words all day, we met up that night and exchanged I love you's for the first time of many.
In 2009, I have been blessed to have observed God's love for me in the way I feel about Whit and in the ways he's shown me he loves me. It is sappy, I know, but bear with me for a few minutes as I extrapolate.
In many ways 2009 was difficult, I experienced some of the hardest classes of my college life, went through a lot of friend drama, and learned things about the ones I love that I didn't like. I had to figure out how to process and deal with all these situations and many others, and through all of them, Whit was there for me.
On one particular night, I found out a few things about Whitfield's past that I really didn't want to hear, and I was disappointed and hurt (he has done nothing against me, these were things that occurred before we began dating). I was alone in my room and even though I was disappointed in him, he was the only person I wanted to comfort me. And although we both had early classes and this happened late at night, he came when I asked him to and stayed with me for two hours while we talked it out.
As any college student will tell you, there are always awful days when nothing goes right and every test you take, it seems like you have failed and all you want to do is quit, or for me, cry and then quit. On the days when I was stressed, or angry at life, or disappointed in my grades, or just needed someone, Whitfield was the first person I'd think to call because I knew he'd always be there for me. He sat with me while I studied, and listened to me patiently while I vented.
After being the recipient of such dedicated love, I have only one very simple yet extremely difficult response; to love whole heartedly in return.
This proved to be difficult as I started the fall semester and spent 10 days at my school for Student Services staff training, without my core group of friends, including Whit. I knew a few others there but I still felt the most lonely I have ever felt. I went through the temptation of allowing other males' affections go far enough for one person to be mistaken as my boyfriend. I had to admit this and other shortcomings to Whitfield as I wanted to be honest and open with him, and I had to endure his disappointment in me.
It definitely wasn't all bad though. I also got to enjoy some extremely great days with Whitfield. He took me to the beach for my birthday, and packed a lunch, brought us something to drink and took care of anything I needed.
When I was up late studying and became very hungry, Whit went to walmart for me and brought me something to eat and drink.
He's encouraged me, comforted me, stood by me, been jealous over me, and has become my closest friend and my only human love.
And although Whitfield's love is NOWHERE close to the perfect, wholehearted, insane love of God, it has been the closest example I've ever had, and it has opened my eyes to what God's love truly is.
He loves us. He LOVES us. HE loves US. Has that concept ever thoroughly penetrated our heads? His love will never disappoint, never fail, never end. His love does not change, does not remember faults committed and forgives, TRULY forgives every wrongdoing. His love is overpowering, all-encompassing, and it never leaves us. He is the ultimate comforter, the strongest protector, and the best lover your soul will ever experience. He will never cheat on you, never hurt you, and never let you down. He'll never forget you, He's passionate about you, and He wants to spend all the time He can get with you.
And this isn't some wimpy, lonely, desperately lame God. This is the God who created BILLIONS of galaxies, who made your body in its immense complexity. This is the One who sent His only Son to die for you. Think about that. Think about the purest, closest relationship you have with someone, your best friend, or your boyfriend, your mom or dad. Consider them telling you that they have given everything they own for you to be alive.
Yeah. It's a heavy, saddening thought. You might have stopped them if you could have, told them you aren't worth it, or don't need their help. But it's too late. They have nothing, and you have it all.
God is similar to that, except that He didn't have to give His Son for you. He does not require your companionship, your affection, or your life. He is complete without anything you can give Him.
He desires a relationship with you. He wants you to want Him. To have the most complete, closest, truest relationship with the only Thing that could ever completely satisfy you. Consider that thought. COMPLETE SATISFACTION. He can do that.
What would you do for that friend who gave up everything they had for your life? Would you love them in return? Would you sacrifice your time, your desires, your needs for them? Would you tell others about this incredible feat of love?
God is that friend.
